Will you blow on my dice?
Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
just heard a tri-delta girl talking about her drunken escapades last weekend...it's like the exact plotline to a hardcore porno.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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