from now on my penis is your penis
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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