god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
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