mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
Too much gin, very little bucket
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
