All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
drunken yoga. on the beach. senior week. you have been chosen <3
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
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