would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Randomize
