If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
