I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
She's the barista slut.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
Randomize
