WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
so how do you plan on seducing my econ TA?
by telling him that he has a large supply and that i demand it...in my mouth. it shows him that i'm slutty and that i pay attention in econ
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
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