Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
It usually only happens when Im really excited. Normally not that fast. You still enjoy it?
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
