If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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