New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
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