If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
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