Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
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