I want to see a picture of the girl worth ruining our relationship for
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
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