I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
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