I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Randomize