Only a mothe r could love this liver
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
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