Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
