If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
I mean I'm into guys with money but more into guys I'm actually attracted to
yeah i guess i'd rather he was hot than rich
wow i don't know if that qualifies as growing up but if it does i'm all in
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
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