I'm pants shitting drunk right now
I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
