Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
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