She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
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