my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
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