i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
please come you make the beer taste better
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
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