I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Is Jonathan Taylor Thomas a gay? I need you to google search it for me. Its important
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
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