idk why but i just wanna to have sex with the idea of him. i don't even wanna meet him.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
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