Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
Randomize
