i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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