I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
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