There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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