I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
Randomize
