Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
Honestly, I am sitting in my room watching Ciara videos and thinking I am super jealous of how she rides it.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize