your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
Randomize
