is it true guys wash their penises in the sink if they think they're getting laid at a bar?
it's more of a rinse.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
Burnt myself on soup.. consencus go back to hospl. they will lov me. twins in one nigh. still hve band on. fuck
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
Randomize
