her nipple to breast ratio was just odd
they just started talking about wanting to bang stephanie tanner from full house
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
So after the reception we snuck back into the church for drunken hook up. we passed out there and woke up in time for 6am mass still dressed from the wedding. spiritually trashy or classy?
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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