so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
I'd do that. But we would need storm trooper helmets.
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
Randomize
