I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
