Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
Randomize
