PS the last 3 guys I've hooked up with were a CEO, a mechanical bull operator and a magic the gathering player...I need a type...
Ur type is ready and willing
I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
Randomize
