i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
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