My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
She has the best kind of daddy issues
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
