what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
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