Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
Randomize
