So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize