everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
Randomize
