Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize
