she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
Did you pee in the oven last night??
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
Randomize
