I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Randomize
