You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
we played animal sounds and i linked arms with her cuz we were both cats....fate and my community college drama teacher have chosen my one night stand
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Randomize
