last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
