So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
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