I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Randomize