see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
She just used a chaser for red wine.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
Randomize
