If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
Verdict: uncircumcised.
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