Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
Min and u sung xhionubjs. Cause that's what u kiij like a xhionunk
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
