Your tits are I can't wait for
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
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