I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
