I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
